Forever.

BREAKING DAWN PART 2 

this movie is damn good! highly recommended to watch it. :) great storyline (though i felt cheated at a part HAHA ) and great ending to the whole twilight saga. shall not be a spoiler for those who havent watched it. go catch it before its gone! 

but as breaking dawn comes to an end, there goes my teenage years too. :( harry potter was my childhood and its gone with 7 series and now twilight is gone with 4 series. feel so old. OMG. 

best thing, im not even 17 yet! tsk. one of the last few to turn 17. sigh pie. 

its the 13th day that you are gone now. :( i miss you so much sweetheart. though 13 days have passed by, i still cry when i visit you. just cant forget that day when we buried you. hope youre doing fine wherever you are. 

finally had some catch up time with this girl. :) been a long time since i last saw her. 

had dinner together and talked. looking forward to see her again soon~~ 

meh. time has been passing by too fast this year. its already 27th november already. :O 

(birthday is in 2 weeks time! cant wait. *hint hint*) HAHAH cant really say its a good thing or a bad thing that time has been passing so fast. i just wish i could go back in time to undo some mistakes and cherish what i had but i know thats impossible. life, you havent been nice to me this year. T.T 

2013, please be nice? please please please please. 

stuck in between the two. idk what to do. :( 

hopefully, something will be worked out soon? 

alright, thats all for today. feeling pretty giddy due to loss of blood. yeah, on my period now. dont say you havent been warned not to irritate me. >:( 

OKAY BYE. 

thank you for being such a sweetheart.

after 11 days of hanging onto his dear life, xiaobai passed away yesterday. 

i will never forget him, never forget what a cutie pie he was, never forget everything about him. 

14 november 2012, i will never forget this day. its the day that i lost you forever. 

rushing back home just to see him for the last time before returning back to school and how i was the last one to carry him, and how we buried him. 

this heartache, is more than i can ever take. every time i walk there to visit him, my heart would ache so much and tears would well up in my eyes. i miss him so so so much. 

the last few days of his life was so hard for my family to even watch him. how he became skinnier as there was no intake of food or water. how he eventually became too weak to walk. how elated he was when i brought him downstairs for a walk and despite the lack of energy, he still got up on his feet to walk the last few steps before falling down again. until tuesday morning, he totally lost the energy to stand and could only drag himself on the floor. its really heartbreaking to see him from being such a hyperactive cat to being so weak. 

im sorry my dear. i wasnt there when you took your last breath. i didnt notice that your time is going to be up when you meow at me before i left house. im so so sorry. i hope wherever you are now, its a happier place for you. free of pain, hunger, cat fights. just know that we miss you dearly and you are still loved by us. i hope you will never never forget me. thank you for the memories of the past 11 months. i love you so much. 

always in our living memory.
we miss you sweetheart. 

the story of xiaobai.

 this would be our first photo together. who knew that you would be leaving me this soon?

 look how mischievous he is at the clinic after the blood test today. 

i guess, this will be our last photo together?

this cat's name is xiaobai /baibai /ahpui /puipui /puitutu. 

i realized his presence and realize how friendly he is only this year. i so called adopted him by giving him food and water and bringing him up to my house to play with him. he is more important to me than you will ever know. we only had memories of 11 months together. 

he is a very mischievous but friendly cat. 

1) he got into a fight with a cat and was badly injured and my mother found him downstairs. we couldnt bear to see him injured and not care about him. brought him to the vet in the middle of the night and brought him back home to nurse him into good health and before we let him go down and that was 12 days at our house. 

2) he had an ulcer in his mouth and we brought him to the vet again. he stayed for a couple of days and  he ate well so let him go back to where he belong most. 

3) 5 days ago, we brought him to the vet once again as we suspect he has an ulcer as hes not eating again. doctor suspected of kidney problems but didnt want to go into conclusion so again, he gave us the medicine and told us to keep the cat under observation and to bring him back if his appetite does not get any better. 2 days ago, he started eating and we felt relieved. yesterday, we realize he has not been eating anything again and just kept drinking water.

4) today, we decided to bring him to the vet once again for a blood test. while the doctor brought him inside for the test, we were outside waiting for him and we heard him scream so loudly and so painfully. it broke my heart so much. he came out looking so afraid and only felt better after we consoled him. he started to roam around the clinic until the report was out. i heard the most devastating news in my life. xiaobai is not going to make it. his kidney is failing and the amount of toxic that is produced is 4 and 8 times more than the normal. the only treatment for him is to put him on drip for a week (somewhat like dialysis), but that will only prolong his life by 3-5 months. after that, the same thing is going to happen. so i asked, 'how long does he have if he does not undergo the drip' he told me 'a week'. i wanted to faint and it broke my heart so so so much. a week later, he would be leaving us. i dont want.. i dont want him to go.. 

his last week will be the worst week because he will start vomiting, stop eating or drinking, stop urinating or passing motion and eventually he will find a place to hide and he will go like this. as much as i dont want this to happen, letting him go this time would be better than letting him experience this again 3-5 months later.

the cost of bringing him to the vet dont matter. as long as he can get better.. but this time, hes not going to make it anymore.

never thought that i would get so attached to this cat. hes the only pet that i have ever adopted in my life. in a week, hes going to be gone forever. just cant imagine the heartbreak. 

i wonder if he knows that his time is going to be up. i wonder if hes scared. 

he was abandoned by his previous owner when the owner move house and left this cat downstairs to roam on his own. thank god, this cat is blessed and everyone living in this block dote on him so much that he wouldnt have to worry about starving. all the middle fingers in the world to that owner for adopting this cat and abandoning him. and now when hes having the last few days of his life, does the owner even know? such a poor thing. 

cant believe that im crying as i type this post. 

i just want to say thank you for letting me be a better me. 

远处海港传来阵阵船笛

我一直飘零到被你拣起

如今望着反映窗户玻璃

有个我陌生又熟悉

I can Smile a little more

Sing a little more

Feel a little more

全因为你

说好了要为幸福　一天天地练习

练习 Laugh a little more

Love myself a little more

要学会更加善待我自己

为你我变成了　Better me

什么距离都不算是真的分离

想念和默契能代替一切言语

有一天生命会老去　还好谢谢有你

在你眼中　I see the better in me

Coz I can Smile a little more

Sing a little more

Feel a little more　全因为你

说好了要为幸福　一天天地练习

练习 Laugh a little more

Love myself a little more

要学会更加善待我自己

为你我变成了　Better me

就是那么神奇

从前的错都有意义

教我抛开所有猜疑　也许

我也美丽　值得一个奇迹

我的眼泪会坠落

绝不是因为懦弱

而是感谢天让我遇见你

不然今天就不能　如此地有勇气

Now I promise to you

And I can swear to you

为你我　一定加倍　珍惜*我自己

做一个值得你　骄傲的　Better me

一个值得你　爱的Better me

- better me (薛凯琪 Fiona)

i never knew i could get a cat to like me so much. to come and sayang me whenever he sees me or when i call him. to come home with me without me carrying him. to come to my house by himself when he is sick. to be such a sweetheart to me. to do so many cute stuffs that it makes me so hard to let him go now. 

a week later, its time to say goodbye. 

i cant make you stay, i can only wish that you would feel better after you are freed from this misery. 

有些爱只给到这真的痛了.

没有你的日子就是不一样. 

but i have no choice but try to learn how to live without you. 

no one can ever give me the feeling that you gave me and i know that no one will ever love me like you do. you breaking up with me is hard on both us but whats the point of carrying on when we are not happy at all? fights, fights and more fights everyday. you ask me why i have got nothing to say to you? blame it on all the quarrels that cause us to drift apart. its not easy maintaining a 23 months relationship and this wasnt what i had expected when i entered my first relationship. fear of seeing your parents, keeping everything under wraps when its not even fair to me because my family accepts you. its okay, i endure. but i had enough of history repeating itself over and over again. but again, its not easy letting go of a 23 months relationship. one that i put all my heart in, one that i thought would last forever. 

you tell me youre sorry and regret your decision for initiating a breakup. you tell me to forget the past because its gone. but you think its so easy? that moment when you told me you want a breakup, have you thought about how i felt deep down? i was omw to work and had to keep it all in. all i could was tell a close friend but what can he do? nothing much. i admit i hadnt been myself the past few days. or rather the past few months. graduating from secondary school, being in different poly, not having much time for each other, not having the mutual trust for each other, all contributed to the change in both us. 

in the past, i was the one who send you long texts, updating my blog, preparing small gifts for you every monthsary until a point in time when i didnt even realize, i stopped doing all those. because i realize it meant nothing to you. maybe it did but you dont even appreciate it why should i spend so much time? you may say that you appreciate it now but who knows the truth at the point in time, did it really mattered to you. now, youre the one doing those things and everything is just the complete opposite of everything in the past. im not ready for this kind of life. 

i know i said yesterday, everything would remain the same but without the commitment but i came to realize, that may not be the best decision for the both of us. truthfully, idk whats the best thing for us right now but ever since what P said about us, its pretty true. youre a nice guy, you deserve better than me. heartbreaking but thats the truth. i can never forget what she said about us, about me and a friend that has nothing going on. i can never forget the day you broke up with me. i can never forget the heartbreak. maybe your decision is right after all, we both need a break. a break from each other. 

then again, 说好的幸福呢？ 

你 的 回  话  凌   乱   着    在  这  个 时  刻

我 想    起 喷  泉   旁   的 白  鸽   甜   蜜 散  落  了

情   绪 莫 名   的 拉 扯    我 还  爱 你 呢

而 你 断   断   续 续 唱    着  歌   假  装     没  事  了

时  间   过  了   走  了   爱 情   面   临  选   择   你 冷   了   倦   了   我 哭 了

离 开  时  的 不 快   乐   你 用   卡 片   手   写  着    有  些  爱 只  给  到  这    真   的 痛   了

怎  麽 了   你 累  了   说   好  的   幸   福 呢

我 懂   了   不 说   了   爱 淡  了   梦   远   了

开  心  与 不 开  心  一 一 细 数  着    你 再  不 舍

那 些  爱 过  的 感  觉  都  太  深   刻   我 都  还  记 得

你 不 等   了   说   好  的   幸   福 呢

我 错  了   泪  乾   了   放   手   了   後  悔  了

只  是  回  忆 的 音  乐  盒 还  旋   转    着    要  怎  麽 停   呢

dont you find that we can relate to it so much? whatever in the lyrics is true about us, its how i feel. which is why this song triggered all the memories and made me so emotional. 

because the truth is, 消失的感情，是永远都找不回的。有些事情一旦失去了，就永远在业回不来的。有些话，一旦说出口了，就永远都会刻在心里，永远都忘不了。you can ask me whats the purpose of me telling you all this, to say the truth, idk. i guess, i want to tell you what i have been feeling deep deep deep inside me. 

dont tell me you still want me because at that moment when you initiated a breakup, the thought of not wanting me anymore did cross your mind. 

 its always nice hearing from your friends once in awhile. :) though i never expected lishan to miss me so much. this reminds me of my secondary school days. well spent with best friends, seniors, juniors and you. but it just had to be over so soon. i miss all of you and to lishan, if you ever see this, i miss
you too sweetie. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

hey buddy, thank you for everything. thank you for being there for me when my world came crashing down. i really really appreciate it. never want to lose a friend like you. <3>

why is time passing by so so so fast this year? in a blink of an eye, its already the last day October. im not even ready that time is passing by so quickly. :( im afraid of the future. im afraid of whats in it. i pray everyday for you to be fine. i pray everyday for my family to be fine. i pray everyday for my friends to be fine. i pray everyday that the world wont end so that i will have more time with them. im not even 17. im too young to die. everyone is too young to die. im keeping my fingers crossed and im sure my ahgong will watch over us wherever he is now. 

hi november, october hasnt been very nice to me. i hope you will be nicer to me yeah? 

okay bye.

happy 70th birthday.

the pain of losing someone truly close to you eventually will fade. but the memories are forever. i think the one that hits us most if the fact that we know that they wont be coming back. that's what breaks me down the most. and the memories, they just make it worse. there wont be another smile like there's. there wont be another laugh like there's. there wont be another time i get to spend time with him. we're just being left lonely with a feeling of debt to them. wishing we could have done whatever could've helped to keep the person here. but death is going to happen. we cant hide or run away from it. its a part of the circle of life. for example, a flower is growing, soon as its fully grown, its seeds fall off. it will produce new flowers. shrivel up and die just like us. we're born, we grow up, have kids, grow old and then die. i know losing someone is hard, but we should feel glad that we got to be apart of their life. 

happy 70th birthday, ah gong. <3 p="p">

 i hope youre doing fine wherever you are. this would be the first year that we are not celebrating your birthday. perhaps its just me, i feel weird. im sorry for not learning to cherish the times when you were around and only learn to regret after we have lost you forever. i will never be able to forget 19th February 2012 because thats the day that we lost you forever. my greatest regret : none of us were there by your side when you took your last breath and we hadnt heard your last words. you were all alone. nothing i say now can bring you back to life, but i miss your presence around in the house so much. :( i wish we had photos taken together but none was taken in my 17 years of life. im so sorry about that. when i was younger, you used to dote on me so much. i wish i had learn to treasure but its too late for regrets. its so quiet without you around and ahma looks so lonely. i wish i have more time for her but i have my own commitments too. i dont want to have any regrets anymore. 

we miss you. 

MEHHHHH

16 OCTOBER 2012

chomp chomp and chocolate fondue and RK house with lovelies! HAHAH eat until damn full. return home feeling satisfied. ^^ we should go again soon! 

 merlion volunteers appreciation dinner! :) went with the rest of them but didnt manage to get a group photo though! but oh well, the whole event was boring. but the food is damn good HAHA feeling like a glutton. 

 first week of school is over just like this and im still getting used to having lectures and tutorials in the early mornings again. /: guess i will just have to put in more effort to get used to it! meh. did tutorials just now and it nearly had my life. totally hate POM and AFA. ugh. boring ttm. 

love went back to malaysia to celebrate his grandma's birthday this weekend and hes finally coming back today. heehee. i miss you. :) 23rd monthsary tomorrow! <3 p="p">

OKAY BYE. 

my daily essentials.

11 OCTOBER 2012.

 out with buddies again! HAHAH 

NYP > teoheng > dhoby ghaut > mindcafe > homed. 

i had a really awesome day out with my lovelies. its been a long time since i laughed that hard while we were playing board games and all! HAHA its a pity that the day had to go by that fast. /: its okay, i still have a semester to go with them! see you guys in school tomorrow! 

 look at this boy who always always always refuse to cut his hair even though it look like a bush HAHA finally persuaded him to go and have his hair cut today (terms and condition applied) and he look so much better!

school's starting tomorrow and maybe, just maybe we may not have alot of time together but it doesnt matter right? :) i love you. 

went to have my hair trimmed (looks like cut right? ._.) today. i specifically tild the hair dresser to TRIM my hair and ended up with a few inches of my hair gone. T.T AHHHHHHHHHH MY LONG HAIR HUUHUU. 

lovelies and boyf say i still look good? heehee. 

alright, turning in soon after watching tv, packing my bag and pretty much enjoying the last few hours of my 2 months holiday? 

OKAY BYE.