有些爱只给到这真的痛了.

没有你的日子就是不一样. 

but i have no choice but try to learn how to live without you. 

no one can ever give me the feeling that you gave me and i know that no one will ever love me like you do. you breaking up with me is hard on both us but whats the point of carrying on when we are not happy at all? fights, fights and more fights everyday. you ask me why i have got nothing to say to you? blame it on all the quarrels that cause us to drift apart. its not easy maintaining a 23 months relationship and this wasnt what i had expected when i entered my first relationship. fear of seeing your parents, keeping everything under wraps when its not even fair to me because my family accepts you. its okay, i endure. but i had enough of history repeating itself over and over again. but again, its not easy letting go of a 23 months relationship. one that i put all my heart in, one that i thought would last forever. 

you tell me youre sorry and regret your decision for initiating a breakup. you tell me to forget the past because its gone. but you think its so easy? that moment when you told me you want a breakup, have you thought about how i felt deep down? i was omw to work and had to keep it all in. all i could was tell a close friend but what can he do? nothing much. i admit i hadnt been myself the past few days. or rather the past few months. graduating from secondary school, being in different poly, not having much time for each other, not having the mutual trust for each other, all contributed to the change in both us. 

in the past, i was the one who send you long texts, updating my blog, preparing small gifts for you every monthsary until a point in time when i didnt even realize, i stopped doing all those. because i realize it meant nothing to you. maybe it did but you dont even appreciate it why should i spend so much time? you may say that you appreciate it now but who knows the truth at the point in time, did it really mattered to you. now, youre the one doing those things and everything is just the complete opposite of everything in the past. im not ready for this kind of life. 

i know i said yesterday, everything would remain the same but without the commitment but i came to realize, that may not be the best decision for the both of us. truthfully, idk whats the best thing for us right now but ever since what P said about us, its pretty true. youre a nice guy, you deserve better than me. heartbreaking but thats the truth. i can never forget what she said about us, about me and a friend that has nothing going on. i can never forget the day you broke up with me. i can never forget the heartbreak. maybe your decision is right after all, we both need a break. a break from each other. 

then again, 说好的幸福呢？ 

你 的 回  话  凌   乱   着    在  这  个 时  刻

我 想    起 喷  泉   旁   的 白  鸽   甜   蜜 散  落  了

情   绪 莫 名   的 拉 扯    我 还  爱 你 呢

而 你 断   断   续 续 唱    着  歌   假  装     没  事  了

时  间   过  了   走  了   爱 情   面   临  选   择   你 冷   了   倦   了   我 哭 了

离 开  时  的 不 快   乐   你 用   卡 片   手   写  着    有  些  爱 只  给  到  这    真   的 痛   了

怎  麽 了   你 累  了   说   好  的   幸   福 呢

我 懂   了   不 说   了   爱 淡  了   梦   远   了

开  心  与 不 开  心  一 一 细 数  着    你 再  不 舍

那 些  爱 过  的 感  觉  都  太  深   刻   我 都  还  记 得

你 不 等   了   说   好  的   幸   福 呢

我 错  了   泪  乾   了   放   手   了   後  悔  了

只  是  回  忆 的 音  乐  盒 还  旋   转    着    要  怎  麽 停   呢

dont you find that we can relate to it so much? whatever in the lyrics is true about us, its how i feel. which is why this song triggered all the memories and made me so emotional. 

because the truth is, 消失的感情，是永远都找不回的。有些事情一旦失去了，就永远在业回不来的。有些话，一旦说出口了，就永远都会刻在心里，永远都忘不了。you can ask me whats the purpose of me telling you all this, to say the truth, idk. i guess, i want to tell you what i have been feeling deep deep deep inside me. 

dont tell me you still want me because at that moment when you initiated a breakup, the thought of not wanting me anymore did cross your mind. 

 its always nice hearing from your friends once in awhile. :) though i never expected lishan to miss me so much. this reminds me of my secondary school days. well spent with best friends, seniors, juniors and you. but it just had to be over so soon. i miss all of you and to lishan, if you ever see this, i miss
you too sweetie. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

hey buddy, thank you for everything. thank you for being there for me when my world came crashing down. i really really appreciate it. never want to lose a friend like you. <3>

why is time passing by so so so fast this year? in a blink of an eye, its already the last day October. im not even ready that time is passing by so quickly. :( im afraid of the future. im afraid of whats in it. i pray everyday for you to be fine. i pray everyday for my family to be fine. i pray everyday for my friends to be fine. i pray everyday that the world wont end so that i will have more time with them. im not even 17. im too young to die. everyone is too young to die. im keeping my fingers crossed and im sure my ahgong will watch over us wherever he is now. 

hi november, october hasnt been very nice to me. i hope you will be nicer to me yeah? 

okay bye.

happy 70th birthday.

the pain of losing someone truly close to you eventually will fade. but the memories are forever. i think the one that hits us most if the fact that we know that they wont be coming back. that's what breaks me down the most. and the memories, they just make it worse. there wont be another smile like there's. there wont be another laugh like there's. there wont be another time i get to spend time with him. we're just being left lonely with a feeling of debt to them. wishing we could have done whatever could've helped to keep the person here. but death is going to happen. we cant hide or run away from it. its a part of the circle of life. for example, a flower is growing, soon as its fully grown, its seeds fall off. it will produce new flowers. shrivel up and die just like us. we're born, we grow up, have kids, grow old and then die. i know losing someone is hard, but we should feel glad that we got to be apart of their life. 

happy 70th birthday, ah gong. <3 p="p">

 i hope youre doing fine wherever you are. this would be the first year that we are not celebrating your birthday. perhaps its just me, i feel weird. im sorry for not learning to cherish the times when you were around and only learn to regret after we have lost you forever. i will never be able to forget 19th February 2012 because thats the day that we lost you forever. my greatest regret : none of us were there by your side when you took your last breath and we hadnt heard your last words. you were all alone. nothing i say now can bring you back to life, but i miss your presence around in the house so much. :( i wish we had photos taken together but none was taken in my 17 years of life. im so sorry about that. when i was younger, you used to dote on me so much. i wish i had learn to treasure but its too late for regrets. its so quiet without you around and ahma looks so lonely. i wish i have more time for her but i have my own commitments too. i dont want to have any regrets anymore. 

we miss you. 

MEHHHHH

16 OCTOBER 2012

chomp chomp and chocolate fondue and RK house with lovelies! HAHAH eat until damn full. return home feeling satisfied. ^^ we should go again soon! 

 merlion volunteers appreciation dinner! :) went with the rest of them but didnt manage to get a group photo though! but oh well, the whole event was boring. but the food is damn good HAHA feeling like a glutton. 

 first week of school is over just like this and im still getting used to having lectures and tutorials in the early mornings again. /: guess i will just have to put in more effort to get used to it! meh. did tutorials just now and it nearly had my life. totally hate POM and AFA. ugh. boring ttm. 

love went back to malaysia to celebrate his grandma's birthday this weekend and hes finally coming back today. heehee. i miss you. :) 23rd monthsary tomorrow! <3 p="p">

OKAY BYE. 

my daily essentials.

11 OCTOBER 2012.

 out with buddies again! HAHAH 

NYP > teoheng > dhoby ghaut > mindcafe > homed. 

i had a really awesome day out with my lovelies. its been a long time since i laughed that hard while we were playing board games and all! HAHA its a pity that the day had to go by that fast. /: its okay, i still have a semester to go with them! see you guys in school tomorrow! 

 look at this boy who always always always refuse to cut his hair even though it look like a bush HAHA finally persuaded him to go and have his hair cut today (terms and condition applied) and he look so much better!

school's starting tomorrow and maybe, just maybe we may not have alot of time together but it doesnt matter right? :) i love you. 

went to have my hair trimmed (looks like cut right? ._.) today. i specifically tild the hair dresser to TRIM my hair and ended up with a few inches of my hair gone. T.T AHHHHHHHHHH MY LONG HAIR HUUHUU. 

lovelies and boyf say i still look good? heehee. 

alright, turning in soon after watching tv, packing my bag and pretty much enjoying the last few hours of my 2 months holiday? 

OKAY BYE.

life.

 was hospitalised during the past week end due to gastritis (some stomach inflammation thingy). :( felt so horrible. went to see a clinic doctor during the evening but it didnt get any better so decided to go to A&E. doctor wanted to keep me under observation and wanted to make sure im fine before i go home so i had to stay for a night. had so much sleep that day that my dark eye rings lighten already HAHAHA. 

thank you everyone who cared, be it by SMS, instagram or twitter. :) the power of technology. LOL. 

have to go back on the 30th oct for blood test and 7th nov for doctor's consultation. AHHH IM SCARED FOR THE BLOOD TEST. not the drawing blood part but the not knowing what the results will be part. *keeping my fingers crossed* 

 thank you love for taking urgent leave from work on friday to come to my house to accompany me to see doctor and heading back to work after that :o appreciate it so much baby. and thanks for staying with me that night just to make sure that im feeling better even though i didnt and have to go to the hospital. sorry to make you worry but im better now! :) barely feel the pain, just a little. <3 p="p">

hey lovelies, thanks for visiting me at the hospital! thanks jarrett for accompanying me for almost the whole first day at the hospital though you were really sleepy and fell asleep at the bedside HAHAH. :p thanks vanessa for popping by halfway through work! and thanks sean for coming to visit though your parents didnt let and all. you guys are really awesome. ^^ 

THIS IS ME. HAHAHA HAMBURGER FACE. 

i miss those times when i was young and i really regret not cherishing them. why are we made to learn how to cherish when we grow up and when that happens, everything is too late. that feeling totally sucks. 

i wish i had learned to cherish my grandfather long before he was gone. he doted on me so much and till his last breath, he was still worried about my siblings and I the most because our father abandoned us for another woman and my mum is bringing us up by herself. :( 

a funeral at my void deck reminded me everything about him. from the memories that i still remember when i was young till the 5 days of his funeral and i started crying again. 我还是放不下. everything is too late now. i can only cherish those that i still have around me. 

so much for life. 

i hate getting so emotional at times. :( 

OKAY BYE.

the best i can i ever ask for.

25th September 2012.

out with my buddies to teo heng! hell, that was lots of fun! first time hearing them sing and heehee, kinda unexpected but it was damn damn damn fun. :) headed to play at the sky garden before going to dakota for dinner! totally enjoyed my day with them and thanks jarrett for sending me home that night. 

September wasnt a nice month because we kept fighting. :( i dont like to quarrel with you. i hope what i wanted to say to you has gotten through. because i dont want to have to explain to you anymore. remember, its our last chance. prove me wrong. 

i dont want to lose you over something that doesnt affect the both of us directly. fuck whatever your friends say. i dont give a shit anymore. tell them whatever you want. you have your freedom of speech, so do they. it goes the same to me and my friends as well. but who are they to judge me when they dont fucking know anything. photos on FB means shit seriously. afterall, its up to you if you want believe me. photos on FB, im not going to remove it because i dont have a guilty conscience.  i hope things will change for the better. really.  this is a relationship between me and you. not between your friends, my friends nor your family. i had enough. up to you if you want to believe what she say, i can tell you none of that shit is true. for the last time, 我跟他之间真的没有什么，信不信由你。but if there is something really going on between us is what you guys want to see, you know im capable of doing it right baby? i mark my words. sorry for making it sound so harsh. 

like what i said, im a Sagittarius. i need my freedom. i dont want to be in a relationship with no trust, a relationship that i cant have any guy friends. 

i love you. i still do.

mummy bought mini snow skin moon cakes! forever my favourite. *.* you jelly? hahaha went down to vivo with love just to collect it. abit siao uh? from orchard all the way to vivo just for moon cakes and back to AMK. LOLOL. anyway, the moon cakes are really special and nice! heehee. 

thank you love for doing so much for me. that includes going out with my mum and sis to get cupboards for my bedroom, re-arranging the whole layout of my bedroom. 辛苦你了. <3 p="p">

back to the good old days. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

went back to YCK on saturday to have a band alumni meeting about the upcoming concert and uhm, the attendance was pathetic. thats all i can say. LOL. i had fun laughing with these crazy kiddos and i certainly miss them. hope shengda like the A&F cologne that we bought for him!

best friends for 4 years and still counting on. :)

mid-autumn festival yesterday! :) 

tried vegetarian tze char for the first time yesterday. not too bad! it taste just like the normal one! hahaha 

headed to chinese garden with jarrett and sean to watch fireworks and lanterns display! had a great time with them walking around the garden and taking photos! hahaha walked to JCube and watched ice hockey with the boys while waiting for vanessa! awesome game~ we should watch it again heehee. 

these two boys ah, keep making me run today. -.- i managed to catch up with them! hahah yeah~ girl power! 

prata at bukit gombak, somewhere near jarrett's house. prata like so so leh cause i feel like im consuming smoke instead of prata. wtf. 

went to xiaoguilin at bukit batok to play with lanterns, sparklers and candles! ahhhh childhood memories! its 1.20am and we are playing around like kids. ^^ next year, mid autumn festival, we have a date at the exact same place. deal? 

cabbed home while they stayed over at jarrett's house. my mum PMS and dont let me stay. i was like dafug. and luckily buddies was nice enough to send me off. and once again, sean's jacket landed up with me again HAHAHA because i forgot to return to him. oops. 

these buddies, i would never trade anything for them. i love my buddies. <3>

two of my bestest bestest guy friends. forever saying sarcastic remarks to me but can always make me smile. hahaha they always think im retarded LOL. but thats okay. i hope our friendship will last a lifetime. thanks for being such nice friends and dont be too touched when you see this. HAHAHA  

OKAY BYE.