i spent a couple of days going through 9 years worth of cards and photos and every single one of them flushed a whole new channel of memories into my head. i normally would get all emotional and sad that the year is ending but 2012 is different. it was just a plain fucked up year. most definitely the worst in my entire life. so now, just a day away from 2013, im just going like 'thank god this fateful year is going to be over soon'
it started off fine. pretty much came to me as 'a brand new year, a brand new start' with 12/12/12 being my birthday and poly life is starting soon. i was just being a happy girl still enjoying my freedom with no school and slowly, i descent into the worst month of my life(at that point in time), February 2012. i honestly didnt see that coming. 19th feb, my grandfather passed away. it came without any warning and that was the first time i experienced a close kin of mine passing on. and the 5 days that followed was just plain horrible. i cried and cried and couldnt stop blaming myself for not treating my grandfather better when he was still around and my greatest regret was not being by his side when he passed on. he was all alone. im really sorry. thats when all the memories from my childhood came back and i cried every night even after the funeral. the house was exceptionally quiet and i had trouble getting used to it. it was hard on my whole family especially when the news came so suddenly. it took me a couple of months to get over it.
poly started in april and im really glad that i made a couple of best friends there. they are the ones that will be there for me no matter what and will never find me irritating or whatever. we may bully/nag/get rough with each other but thats just the way we communicate and come on, only best friends do that right? HAHA and its true that i would rather have a few friends that are true than having hundreds of fake friends.
Denise, Sean, Jarrett, Vanessa. Thank you for being my happy pills and constantly making me laugh and are always there to support me at my weakest. cheers to our friendship and i love you all.
then came the semester break which i chose to go Batam with my fam instead of camp impact (trust me, i really regret my decision now. like super duper regret) okay anyway, the 3 days there were plain torture. lets skip that.
in between all of that, many unhappy things happened but guess i will leave that till later.
made friends with Sean from STB, and hes a really friendly guy. HAHA those dirty talks at Marche to those inspiring(i guess?) talks, yup we learnt alot from him indeed.
*lets go back a little in time now*
just when i thought february was the worst month of my life, november came to prove me wrong. if you have been reading my blog, you should know that i 'adopted' this cat called xiaobai. i finally got over the fact that my grandfather has left us forever and isnt coming back anymore and thats when another devastating truth hit me. xiaobai isnt going to make it and he only has a week left to live. i had to hold in my tears because i didnt want to affect the mood of my whole family as we were all upset about the fact that xiaobai is leaving us soon. i cried myself to sleep every single night and wake up worrying if xiaobai has passed on already. i started to get really paranoid at home and even in school.
the few days before xiaobai passed on was painful for me to even watch him as he got weaker day by day and eventually he cant walk anymore and i have to carry him around.
14th november 2012, i received a SMS from my mum when i was in school telling me that xiaobai is gone already. i rushed back home only having to see him not moving anymore. major heartbreak. he 'meow' at me before i left house that morning and i told him to wait for me to be home but i guess, i couldnt ask for more already.
no one could ever imagine the pain of losing 2 loved ones in just 9 months. the pain is indescribable.
I guess another reason why my 2012 sucked was because of my perhaps wrong choice of relationship. it went on for 2 years. honestly, it would have ended much earlier. i mean, you werent there when i needed you the most. thats perhaps the first thing i look for in my boyf but i guess i was wrong about you. many other reasons to add on, we eventually broke up.
Back then I imagined the day I saw you again after all those months to be a terrible one- the same dry clot at the back of my throat accompanied by a timely bout of nausea, my heart possibly sinking an inch or two. Not today. I felt completely separated- liberated, rather, from all that agony. It just goes to show that you make the most progress when you're not paying attention. Water boils quicker when you don't stare at the kettle, songs download quicker when you're streaming the albums you already have... Things get better when you focus on improving something else. I'm 99.9% sure you don't come here anymore- which is great. Because I have absolutely, nothing to say to you.
I've moved on, I've let it all go behind me.
from february to november 2012, i honestly had thoughts of killing myself. i ended up NOT killing myself and the fact that it even crossed my mind(I'm not talking about the "oh god life sucks can I just die FML" kind of wanting to die. I'm talking about a very raw, turbulent DESIRE to end your life & escape every single thing that is in it. Noone should ever feel that way) seriously scared the hell out of me because i thought i had hit my all time before but i had no fucking idea what this year had in store for me. i had it figured out and its clear to me now - i was going through a horrible breakup, a horrible time getting over the death of my loved ones. I don't think I could even explain this sheer misery I was in to anyone around me then, not even my closest friends, because it's hard to sympathise with that & not feel pain. Reading about it now makes my heart ache. -Albeit Dully
I stopped crying so much and a lot of my anger dissipated. I owe a lot to the person who basically ripped the band-aid off my last wound, & fixed me- not by telling me "it'll be okay" or "cheer up", but by saying "your situation really fkg sucks" or even "God, I'm going to kick his ass". You know how people always say they want to just tell EVERYTHING to a random stranger who'd be willing to listen? Well, I was actually lucky enough to have that- just that now he's someone I'm never going to forget (or stop thanking). You know who you are-- thank you, again. :)
So it's been more than a month since the worst part of my life (for now) has tided over, & today made me think a lot about the time that flew by.
above of all that, i have matured in a big girl now already, compared to the time when i just entered poly. all the stupid shitty things that i went through in 2012 made me who i am today. i dont cry that often now. im a happier girl. i learn to cherish who and what i have in life and make every moment count. i guess it all came through to me as parts and parcels of life.
